My Hidden Curse

I am a happy person. I pretty much always have a smile on my face but I also carry around a huge weight that most people won’t see. I have anxiety and a touch of OCD. I find it can be difficult to get through some days that most people would consider to be business as usual. I am also very empathetic. Whether or not I have been through the same thing as a person, I can feel for them. For what they are going through.  Those things combined make me a difficult person. You may be wondering why those two things make me difficult. It is because it is hard for me to process how there are some people who cannot understand or are not open to understanding other peoples’ struggles. 

I have never really been normal. For the most part, I am ok with that. I think differently. I feel differently. I process differently. So on and so forth. I don’t care to be like everyone else but at the same time, it is hard to be different. It is hard to have the people you are closest with to not understand you at any given time. It is hard to explain to someone that you can’t go to a movie because you had your day planned already. Even if you only planned to watch TV at home. Most people do not need to map out their day in their heads. Most people do not need to be given notice for anything. I do and I hate that. I have had panic attacks because of something as silly as someone wanting to stop by my house the same day they tell me they are going to stop by. Let me tell you, that freaking sucks.

One of the absolute hardest things is not being able to shut off my mind. If I feel I did something wrong or if I feel I have been wronged, my brain does not stop. I have gone full days with a racing heart, racing mind all the while feeling nauseous. It is like my body is burning from the inside out. It is a miserable feeling. And no, it doesn’t matter if I tell myself to calm down or if someone tells me to calm down, my brain just keeps on blazing me. I imagine fake scenarios. Because I am mentally planning how a situation will go when a person responds. It is insane. It is frustrating and annoying and so many other exhausting things. But I can’t shut it off. I can’t do anything about it. That is who I am.

I am a walking, ticking time bomb waiting for the explosion.

I am trapped inside my own mind.

I am screaming to just be more normal.

Even a little bit.

I am in pain.

These are things that most people do not see. This is part of who I am. Even if I wish like hell it wasn’t. It doesn’t mean that I am not happy with my life. I am extremely blessed to be living the life I have. So many people and things that I am thankful for. But then I have those anxiety filled days. The ones that are hard and that is when I wish to be different. That is when I wish I could be better, be more, be stronger. I know I am a hard worker. I know how deeply I care for people. I know I’d do anything for those I care about. But I expect myself to be perfect. When I can’t be, I feel guilty. Anxiety is a hidden curse. A curse that you can’t run from even when you try. Yet here I am. Falling short and trying anyway. Because that’s what you do. You get up. You move on. You try again.