I was planning to post a funny blog today about my husband and I, but I feel the need to post about my anxiety instead. This is a very personal post and I know it is a long one. I apologize in advance for the length since you may feel as if you are reading a book! For some reason this is weighing on my heart so I feel someone out there needs to read this.
I didn’t always have anxiety. It was something that seemed to develop over time. Is it genetic? Or was it a product of a really abusive relationship? It seemed to develop during that time so I think that has a lot to do with it. I started off like any other normal child. Then as a teen, I was diagnosed with depression. I don’t know if it really was depression or teen hormones. I started taking an anti-depressant around the age of sixteen. While most normal teens were fussing over their hair, their car and the boys at school, I was content to stay in my room and read a book or go for a walk alone. I admit that I did sometimes feel like the world would be a better place without me. The anti-depression drugs made things worse for me. I went from occasionally thinking the world would be a better place without me to constantly thinking that and contemplating suicide. I am not sure what kept me from going through with it. I suppose I never got close to it, just toyed with the idea. I never once picked up a gun or sliced my wrists or anything else so crazy. I realized that I was getting worse instead of better so I quit the medicine cold turkey and was much better off for it.
Then a few months later I met a guy. He actually liked me. So like most teens with their first reciprocated interest, I fell in love. Like an idiot, I didn’t pay attention to the signs. He became possessive very early on. Jealous for no reason. Angry for any activities that did not include him. He strategically manipulated me into turning away from friends and family. Once that happened, he started to get physical. By that point, he had me convinced he was all I had. That nobody else could possibly love me. It is really hard to judge someone if you have never been in their shoes. I would have never thought I would end up in a relationship like that one. I was a pretty girl, smart, I had a lot of interests, a bright future ahead of me with lots of family and friends to back me up. He took those things away from me. I was afraid to get out of it. I was afraid of him. I was afraid of being alone. I became that clingy, dependent, scared girl who was afraid to do anything. I gave up photography, writing, I let my college work slide into the hole so I failed out. I stopped seeing family and friends. When I did see my family, I was short with them. I was reserved. I wasn’t me anymore.
When I finally was able to get out of the relationship. When I finally convinced myself that it was never going to change. I walked away. I never looked back or thought that I would go back. Much like the anti depressant I was taking, I quit that relationship cold turkey and was better off for it. I didn’t walk away unscathed though. My panic attacks increased. There were a lot of times, and still are times, that I cannot go out in public alone for fear. I can’t pinpoint what exactly I am afraid of, just that I am afraid and I feel fear. This is where I come back to the anxiety that I feel has developed over time. I think being controlled for so long, three years to be exact, I have developed a need for control. I now have a need to control what goes on in my life. My schedule. I need time to plan things out, doing anything at the last minute is really hard for me unless it is my idea. I need time to adjust to schedule changes or I have a mini panic attack. It irritates me so I can only imagine how hard it must be for my husband who likes to do things at the last minute. God love him, he tries to work with me.
I am slowly dealing with my anxiety and trying to get better at coping with it. I used to take anti anxiety medicine. I have not taken it in over a year. For the most part, I can manage my anxiety sans medicine as long as I can be in charge of my own schedule. My boss has been very encouraging, she is teaching me the concept of “small world.” Small world basically means that you can only control so much. Anxiety says, “You are going to get fired. Then what if you can’t get another job? Then you can’t pay your bills. Then you can’t afford the things you need for your family and so on.” Small world says, “You haven’t even gotten fired. Worry about it IF it happens and deal with it as it comes!” Every situation can be managed. If you are suffering from anxiety, practice a breathing technique to help you control the chest tightening. Distract yourself, read a book when you feel anxious or do the best you can to think of something else. You may not be able to get rid of it completely, but you CAN manage it.
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